From the Desk of Lord Voldemort
by DramioneForever123
Summary: Follow our dear Voldy-Moldy as he writes letters to practically everyone featured in the Harry Potter series. Review and let me know which person Lord Voldemort should write to next! REVIEW! :D
1. Chapter 1

From The Desk of Lord Voldemort

Dear Potter,

How are you? Oh wait, I don't care. How am I, you ask? Thank you for asking my dearest. Oh wait, that sounded awkward… Anyways, I am doing horribly! I can't seem to find you anywhere! Potter, when you write back, kindly leave a return address. Thank you. I do hope you get his letter.

Anyways, my stomach and back have been cramping up lately. Bella says I'm PMSing, but I'm not sure what that means. And to top it off, I'm having terrible migraines! Stupid Wormtail won't stop singing that song by that Muggle. I think it's Justine Beaver? I must Crucio him when I get the chance. I'm talking about Wormtail by the way. Or maybe I should Crucio Justine also. If I have time after the wine and cheese party with Bella's parents I'll head over to America.

Potter, I wrote you a poem. You mean a lot to me.

**Potter please die**

** Potter please cry**

** Die, die, die**

** Cry, cry, cry **

**Or else I will shock you with my fucking taser**

Wasn't that beautiful? I almost shed a tear at the 'Potter please di-' CRUCIO! Oh sorry Potter Wormtail walked by. What was I saying? Oh yes, I almost cried at the 'Potter please die' part.

I should be a professional poemist. Or is it poet? Either way, I should get paid for it.

Potter, I'm sorry to say, but I must be going. Bella scheduled a manicure for me at the salon at 3:30. I can't miss it, they're playing a re-run of Toddlers and Tiaras! I think it's Honey Boo Boo Child's episode!

So after the manicure I'll be tying this letter around Wormtail's neck so that he can turn into a rat and give it to you. Oops, you weren't supposed to know. Oh well! I'll be expecting a reply.

Please die,

Lord Voldemort

**Did you guys like it? :) I wanted a funny, lighthearted story, so here you go! Please don't just follow, review too! It takes 3 seconds to just type a 'great!' or ':D' or 'loved it!' So review guys, I won't feel motivated to write a new chapter without reviews. The first three letters of my middle name start with 'MAD' so I'm gonna call you guys Madders! Let me know who you want a letter to next! :D Love you, and let me know what you think in a review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

From the Desk of Lord Voldemort

Chapter 2

Dearest Severus,

How are you my faithful companion? I hope you are well, as I have much to tell you! First of all, Bella totally bitch slapped Rodolphus! They were fighting since Rod stole Bella's ice cream. Rod was all like,"It's not my fault! It was just sitting there! It's not like it had your name on it!" And then get this! Bella pulls out the container and it says 'Bellatrix- KEEP OUT!' on the lid!

So then Rod is all "Well.. I still don't give a crap," So Bella gets _his_ ice cream from the freezer and dumps the whole thing on his head! And then she slaps him super hard. And finally she licks her hand, slaps Rod's bum, and walks away.

You should've seen it! Of course though, as my most faithful assistant, you have much better things to do. How's Potter doing? I hope you're torturing him. I have dreams, Severus. I'm sitting there at your desk, and you're at the front of the room. Potter is sitting at his desk, wearing socks and sandals. Scandalous, I know!

This next part is a little strange. You torture Potter repeatedly and then I'm cheering you on. All on a sudden, my robes are replaced with a cheerleader's outfit. (I looked damn sexy Severus, you know I did.)

And the rest? Well…. These images are too graphic for your annoyingly innocent mind.

But let's just say it involves you and me, looking sexy as usual.

Also Severus, since I wrote Potter a poem in my last letter I decided to be fair and write you one too.

**Greasy hair**

**Hooked nose**

**You're ugly, ugly, ugly**

**Everybody knows**

Isn't it beautiful Severus? I hope you liked it!

Anyways Severus, let me know how much you liked the poem! I have to go because I have an appointment with Bosley.. Shh! Don't tell anyone!

Yours,

Lord Voldemort ( Voldy to you ;) )

**Liked the chapter? Lol :D I don't know why, but I liked Voldy's gay side here. No offense to gays, lesbians, or bisexuals! Also if you didn't know, Bosley is a baldness treatment center. Thank you to LalalandMuse and GirlSwagg21 for reviewing! LalalandMuse asked me to do either Snape or Dumbledore, so this is kinda his/her chapter :) If you make an account, let me know :) I'd like to thank you properly. **

**Thanks for reviewing and please let me know what character to do next!**

**Love you Madders! :) **


	3. Chapter 3

From the Desk of Lord Voldemort

Chapter 3

Dear Mudblood,

Let's cut to the chase. I have to time for greetings. Unfortunately, you're quite pretty for a Mudblood. And you know me, sexier than everyone. So, me and Bella are going through a rough patch in our relationship. Shh, don't tell Rodolphus! He still thinks she's true to him. Psh, what a loser!

Anyways, my sources have told me that you and that ginger have broken up. One of the Weasley's, I presume? I swear, they breed like cockroaches! So I was wondering.. Would you like to go out to dinner sometime? Maybe Olive Garden? The same source told me you like that restaurant. Anyways, if you'd rather not be seen in public with my beautiful self, I can cook for you. I don't like to boast but… Oh who am I kidding? I'm a damn good cook! I'll have you know I gave Wormtail food poisoning 16 times. Impressive, right?

I wrote you a poem by the way.

**I am confused in your lust**

**So in me you must trust**

**Or I shall kill you**

**Boo hoo hoo**

Love,

What you'll be screaming tonight ;)

**Thanks to AnnaRavenheart and SasoriHime05 for reviewing chapter 1! And thanks to GirlSwagg21, SasoriHime05, and The Blue Shadow for reviewing chapter 2! I'll definitely do Wormtail or Dumbledore next! I love all you Madders, and please review :D**


	4. Chapter 4

From the Desk of Lord Voldemort

DramioneForever123

Chapter 4

Dear Dumbly-Dore,

Have I told you how cute I think you are? Long hair, wrinkles, oh, half-moon shaped glasses (spectacles for you Brits! :D)! To die for!

Minerva is a lucky man. Or woman. Or man. Whatever her preference is.

She gets to hug you, kiss you, and do all the stuff I want to do with you! Why is it that you NEVER answer my letters? Albus, I know you want me.

Everyone wants this. I'll have you know that I have a SIX-PACK under all this awesome fat! SOMEWHERE! *Searching…Searching…Searching*

Ahh! Found it! Under my pile of awesome fat I found a six-pack!

Stop drooling Albus. Honestly, some people have NO control over their spouses these days.

Any who, if you want to see me or any reason (I know you will ;) ) send me a letter. Or better yet, just come here.

I LURVE you Dumbly. I really do. I even wrote you a poem.

**Roses are red**

**Violets are blue**

**I want you**

**You better want me too**

I know it turned you on Dumbles.

Sexily signed by,

L. Voldemort

**I am SO sorry I haven't updated in so long! School has been crazy, and between studying for algebra and convincing my parents to let me get a bird I haven't had a lot of time. I really want to thank everyone that reviewed. It's 1:05 and I don't feel like going through my emails. But thank you all, thank you SO much. It means a lot. I love you chickadees! :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**From The Desk of Lord Voldemort**

**DramioneForever123**

**Chapter I-Have-No-Idea-But-I-Think-It's-5**

**Hey chickadees! How are you? I know that you all are probably teaming up to form mobs to hunt me down but give me a chance to explain. Or rather, sit down, have a cup of tea (I prefer hot chocolate), and read the next chapter. I promise I'm going to explain everything at the bottom. But for now, read!**

Dearest Bella,

I would like to ask you a favor. Would you please buy me a puppy? They're the cutest little things, oh goodness, I could cry! And they're so fluffy and cute and soft and fluffy and tasty!

Wait… Um scratch that please. I meant that I'm hungry. For your blood. Or um actually, forget I ever said anything! Or wrote. Whatever Bella, do I look like I care? Goodness!

So please? I really want a Chihuahua**(I had to look this up online since I had no idea how to spell it XD)**! They're evil just like me! And they taste good just like me too! Not that I've ever licked myself.

…

…

…

Please don't tell Severus. If don't there's a treat in it for you. If you want..

I can jiggle.

Jiggle my BOOBAHS.

All for you Bella. I know it turns you on. Please think about that. Oh, and by the way, Rod's cheating on you with Severus. Always knew he was gay.

But of COURSE you had to go and fuck it all up by marrying him!

…

…

…

I apologize. I fear that I'm on my period. Here's a poem to cheer you up.

**I jiggle my boobahs**

**You like it**

**Me, wear a condom?**

**Oh, fuck it.**

Anyways, let me know when you're getting me that puppy. I'll be waiting. With my boobahs.

Signed by:

Voldemort's Jiggly Boobahs

**Hey guys! First, I hope you liked the chapter! I kinda liked how Voldemort can't just say boobs or breasts and needs to take it a step higher by saying "boobahs". **

**Okay, the explanation: Ever since early October we realized that water was coming through the space between my window and roof (I live on the top story) and was causing a major hole in the ceiling downstairs. So after opening up the wall, we realized that there was mold in the walls. It took forever (three months) to find people who would do it right and for a moderate price. Today is Tuesday, and I slept in my room for the first time in three months in Saturday. It felt good :)**

**I have a desktop computer so I wasn't able to come in and update due to the fact that there was a hole the size of a twin bed in my wall.**

**So, I'm hoping you understand, and will continue to review! I love you chickadees! :D**


	6. Chapter 6

**From The Desk of Lord Voldemort**

**Chapter 6**

**DramioneForever123**

Dearest Lucius' son/Bella's nephew/Cissa's son (whatever the hell your name is),

Dahling, how are you?! Good? Great! Now honey-buns, do me a favor, tell your Aunt Bella that I'm going to have to cancel on our.. ahem.. _meeting_, yes meeting tonight.

Then please exit the room as quickly as you can, dear. Wouldn't want you to get killed or anything, right?! Your aunt was looking forward to our 'meeting' tonight, so she might get a bit, um, annoyed. Thank you so much sugar! If you ever need anything *hint hint* like I don't know, getting our nails done together, let me know!

A couple nights ago, did you feel someone touching you in the middle of the night?

…

…

…

Because if you did, it was your father.

…

…

…

You see, since your family is one of my most loyal followers, I thought we could display our awesomeness in mini-skirt form.

Me, LORD VOLDEMORT THE FIRST AND NO ONE ELSE SHALL BE NAMED THAT UNLESS BELLA WASN'T ON THE PILL IN WHICH CASE WE'LL HAVE A MINI VOLDEMORT, your father, yourself, and your mother will be sporting hot pink mini-skirts that say 'We Want Potter Dead' on the back!

And the best part is.. wait for it…. They're waterproof! So we can go synchronized swimming! I already have it all planned!

So when your father was touching you, he was actually taking your waist measurements.

Isn't this my best idea so far? And better yet, you'll be able to wear them at school! I threatened to burn the school down if they said you couldn't, but it's all good now! Here's a poem!

**Bella is so hot**

**But your dad's not**

**Well, he kinda is**

**Wasn't this supposed to be 'bout you? Oh shiz**

Well, have a great day Whatever The Hell Your Name Is, and thank you for telling Bella!

I have no fucking idea what your name is,

Mr. L. O. R. D. V. O. L. D. E. M. O. R. T.


End file.
